she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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