We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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