why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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