Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
