Don't make out with my wife yet
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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