he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
