I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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