Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
