If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
