You really coming over, don't trick.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize