my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
