There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize