i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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