Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
