you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We have started to decorate penises.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
