I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
