i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
