Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
