I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
