how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I think my moral compass just broke
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