when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
