I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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