I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
