I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
