1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
