You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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