Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
