I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
