How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize