Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize