I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
