I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
