I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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