Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
