I'm going to jail i love you
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
