I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
