Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
