Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i think im in europe. pls send help
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
