I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Did I show you my penis last night?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
