Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
