wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
even my farts smell like vagina
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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