Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
