I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize