I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
