babies were throwing up all over the place
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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