apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
