well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
