I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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