i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize