i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
