Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
