He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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