I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
