Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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