my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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