These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
