U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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