He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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