Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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